Tomorrow is my beloved husband’s birthday. Don’t ask me how old he’s going to be… he will be two years younger than I am, and I don’t remember my age.

All I know is that he has, thank God, lived a very long time, and in his span, he has picked up Valuable Information that is not available to others in his proximity.

For example, he is the Only Person Left in New Jersey who Knows How to Drive.

If you don’t believe me, follow him as he traverses the New Jersey Turnpike. He is the only person who understands that the speed limit is the lowest permissible velocity at which you can travel… and that’s only when you’re in the right lane. When you move into another lane, you not only have to go faster, but you must do so at a regularly increasing rate of speed. God keep you from his wrath if you speed up and slow down repeatedly, especially if there isn’t anyone in front of you. Where did you learn how to drive? How the hell did you ever get a license?

Most importantly, if he is driving behind you and he’s closing the gap between his truck and your vehicle, it is your job to Move Into Another Lane Immediately. Most people don’t know that… and they don’t always realize it when he honks his horn, flashes his high beams, or questions the marital status of their parents.

The only thing my darling man doesn’t know is Where the Hell are All the State Troopers who should be ticketing all these stupid idiots.

He is equally knowledgeable in another setting: the supermarket. Evidently, my husband is the only person in this town who can count to 12; everyone else is standing in the Express Line in violation of the Neon Sign above the cashier. There are an awful lot of stupid people at the supermarket. There are those who stare at the shelves of food surrounded by prancing, noisy little people: they obviously have No Idea How to Control Their Children. Then there are the ones who stop pushing their carriages in the middle of the aisle, or even those with the effrontery to stop and chat with another shopper. Neither of them realize that Other People Don’t Have All Day to Waste.

There are the clueless cashiers who Don’t Double Bag Heavy Items like milk bottles or cans… or even worse, the ones who place such items atop loaves of bread, which are thereby RUINED.

And worst of all, there are the idiots who wait until the cashier has rung up their orders before they pull out a thick walletful of expired coupons. This particular breed of moron refuses to acknowledge any error, arguing every single discount until my husband informs them that Uncle Sam Taught Him How to Kill People.

Oh, I have to wonder how this poor, poor man can bear to leave the house every morning. He goes to work with Idiots Who Don’t Know What They’re Doing and deals with Customers Who Think They Can Pull a Fast One on Him. He does this so he can support me and occasionally come to the aid of our children, who Don’t Know the Value of a Dollar, and have no clue as to How to Survive in The Real World.

He tells me that he only gets through the day because he knows that no matter what crosses his path, when it’s all over, he Comes Home to A Woman Who’s Crazy About Him.

And he’s right.

Happy birthday, my darling.

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