There’s nothing on television tonight.
I’m staring at the schedule, and it’s as barren as the Sahara.
CBS has a remake of a show from the 60’s that I didn’t watch in the 60’s. NBC has another stupid, sensationalist “true crime” documentary. FOX has a ballgame, but Jeff won’t watch the Mets, just as I won’t watch the Yankees (and neither one of us will watch any other team this early in the season, which invalidates all the channels with ball games.)
ABC has another of those dumb-sluts-vie-for-a-husband reality shows; they make me weep for humanity.
“How can he not give me the rose after I slept with him on camera?”
The next four channels have Sci Fi B movies and news.
PBS, which is often a beacon in the night, is unfortunately playing bad old rock and roll. I understand they need to solicit contributions from Boomers, but didn’t my generation listen to anything other than acid rock? The only reason to watch is to wonder how these geriatric bags, most of whom look like Merlin, managed not to damage the few cells now powering up their brains. Jeff tells me many of them have all their blood replaced six times a year; it may be something to consider.
The next few channels will attempt to sell me things I don’t want and can’t afford. Honestly, My computer works fine and my zits have dried up; my pots and pans may not match, but they do what they’re supposed to do.
By the time we get to channel 20, things start looking up. “Law & Order SVU!” Love it… But I still haven’t forgotten all the trouble Benson got into by trying to help out her brother. There’s no need to relive the angst. Channel 21 has another favorite, “The Big Bang Theory,” but I’ve pretty much memorized all the reruns and it’s too soon to watch them again.
The next slew of channels all deliver news… some from the left, some from the right, and some from a remote location in the Meadowlands of New Jersey where perfectly unaccented Spanish is spoken. There are other stations which play news in Italian and Korean, plus my beloved BBC… but Jeff won’t watch anything which causes him to say “huh?” more than twice per minute.
Skipping over every station that plays anime, wild animals that eat each other, and Larry King, we come to my beloved Do It Yourself channels. I won’t play the cooking channels tonight, since I don’t want to remind my husband that I served really dry pork chops for dinner, and I won’t watch the real-estate and redecoration channels, since I don’t want to think about the home improvements I want and can’t afford right now. I don’t want to see American Pickers rummage through storage units; it reminds me of the exorbitant rent we’re paying to store crap that we didn’t discard from the old house and can’t fit in the new house. We’re not watching that either.
So we come to all the sports channels. MLS Soccer… NCAA Studio Update… College Basketball from schools neither of us attended…PGA Golf… a soccer match between Scotland and Mexico… and something called “Fiance Killer.”
Maybe that one’s not a sport, but it doesn’t sound like my cappatea, if you know what I mean.
Next, there’s a slew of old movies we’ve already seen, more esoteric sports, a frightful array of conjectures about the nature of extraterrestrial life, a lot of rap music, two westerns (don’t tell my husband), another M*A*S*H* marathon (which is what we watched last Saturday, and the Saturday before that), a few live surgeries, some angry brides (who marries these women anyway???), a half a dozen preachers spewing guilt and asking for money, and HBO.
This is followed by nearly 50 channels of music, none of which play show tunes or opera.
Then, there are a dozen or so Spanish channels and a little more soccer, before we get to…
Exactly the same lineup of channels, but in High Definition!
And then, there’s exactly the same lineup of channels, but in Ultra High Definition!
Add up all the variants, and we have over 1,000 channels of nothing, for which we’re paying well over $100 a month.
Of course, we could order something On Demand… they have thousands of shows we didn’t feel like watching when they first aired, available at every hour of the day or night. Or, we could power up the Fire Stick and see what’s available on You Tube, Amazon Prime, Netflix, or any of the other services available to us. Jeff doesn’t trust the Fire Stick, though. It’s like Alexa. It learns what you like and makes suggestions. It probably tries to steer you into seeing things that get you to change your mind, and veer you into a condition where you’re enslaved to Artificial Intelligence.
Is it time to get stronger light bulbs and crack open some books?
Might we go out for a change?
Should we call old friends and pay a visit?
Shall we take a walk in the summer moonlight?
Should we sneak into the community pool and go skinny dipping until we’re caught by security?
There’s got to be something to do, since there’s nothing to watch.