Bless me, Father, for I have sinned
I touched my face before I washed my hands.
I brought a box from Amazon right into the house
And opened it up prematurely, without waiting 24 virus-killing hours.
I accepted a pizza delivery
And signed the receipt with the pizza-man’s pen.
And I drank the Pepsi he brought me
Right from the unboiled plastic bottle.
I’m so sorry it tasted so good.
I’m drinking twice my accustomed portion of wine
Each and every day
With very little regret or repentance.
And I’m watching very strange crap on TV
About End Days and Aliens and how the British bake pies.
I am heartily sorry for accomplishing nothing of value
And I solemnly promise to wear clean clothes
As soon as I’m allowed to leave the house
And stand less than six feet from my neighbors
Lest I offend the sensibilities of those who are worthy of hygiene.
But most of all, lest I offend thee, next to whom is cleanliness.”
I solemnly swear to eschew all further pandemics, and to thank you with all my heart for pulling me through this one.